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pregnancy loss
Parenthood often begins for many parents even before the pregnancy, when they talk and fantasise about the way their lives will hopefully change. An ultrasound scan sometimes makes the child “real” very early on in the pregnancy. In this way, a connection is made.
Unfortunately, many couples facing reduced fertility also have to deal with pregnancy loss. Although this is of course a tragic event in all cases, the blow can be even harder for couples who have had to deal with fertility problems.
Pregnancy loss can occur at different times in the pregnancy. Miscarriages affect approximately 10-30% of all spontaneous pregnancies. Many couples still expect to miscarry within the first three months of the pregnancy, but from the fourth month on dare to enjoy it because they know that the chances of miscarriage are greatly reduced.
Nevertheless approximately one in one hundred pregnancies still fail in later pregnancy. In some cases a desired pregnancy may be terminated because a test has shown that the unborn child has a serious abnormality.
The common factor in all these situations is that space must be allowed for grieving. Both partners often experience this in their own way and in their own time, but it is important that they are there for each other. In all cases it is important that you are able to talk about it together as a couple and with others, perhaps others in the same situation. The patient association Infertility Network UK may also be able to help.
Miscarriage
Everyone who has to deal with miscarriage must work through it in his or her own way and it generally takes time for the feelings to be resolved. If a miscarriage is repeated several times, the psychological and physical burden will be difficult to bear. Since those around you may not have been aware of the pregnancy, it is often difficult to talk about your emotions with other people. But to deal with them, it is important that you do so. For many it is often difficult to accept that, after several miscarriages, no clear cause has been found for them. In such a case, most couples experience feelings of fear and uncertainty.
Stillbirth
Stillbirth is the birth of a child that died during pregnancy (intrauterine foetal death) or around delivery. Nothing touches a person more than birth and death, the beginning and the end of life. If a child dies before birth, during delivery or shortly afterwards, these two events occur together. The loss of a child is one of the most extreme types of loss a person will ever have to deal with.
Grieving for the loss of a baby will be difficult and demand time and energy. Sufficient time has to be set aside for physical and emotional recovery, before you try to become pregnant once again. Men and women often deal with the loss in different ways. Know how to be open with each other about this in order to avoid unnecessary conflict.
Parents of stillborn children generally need a great deal of support from the people around them. People in the same situation can also be a great support; they understand and often empathise better than anyone else. It is good to know that there are discussion groups of parents who have lost a child. Your GP, grief counsellor or support professional from the hospital will generally be able to put you in touch with these parents.
Thankfully, over the last few years knowledge and awareness of grief for stillbirth has greatly increased. Parents are being constantly encouraged to express their feelings and support is available. Newspapers, radio and television devote more attention to this subject so that people who have not lived through such a loss understand something of it. It is important to trust that you can and will get over this intense grief. It will finally have its own place in your relationship and in your life. The most important thing is that you always follow your own feeling and take your own decisions. In addition to those around you, professional support will be able to help you with this if needed.
The patient association SANDS Stillbirths And Neonatal Deaths Charity can also play a role in supporting you and your partner.
support organisations
The link below provides a selection of names of support organisations which may be useful to women and their partners who need extra support and information besides the discussions with the doctor treating them.
